Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
