Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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