I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
