She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Who died my cat blue again?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
