My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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