when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
