Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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