I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
