Pappa wants mamma naked
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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