I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
