how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
