Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
