captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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