i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
