I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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