then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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