I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
