Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
