Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
This baby is an asshole
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
