this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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