I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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