what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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