GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
