There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
