new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
