He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
