the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
