This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
