this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Is it penis luge time yet?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
