Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
