You smell like stripper and shame
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
