Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
