Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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