He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
