I murdered the dance floor call the cops
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He passed out mid-signature
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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