Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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