I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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