i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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