If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
