I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
