i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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