Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
