Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
