you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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