I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
