making cat noises will not fix the situation.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
