My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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