Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
