I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
