Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
