Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
